Been a While

I'm in shock.

No, it's not that simple to say but, still. I'm in shock. Like shock, shock. It's already Ramadhan and it's my 5th day fasting. 25 to go. But no, this post won't have anything related to this holy month. It's about me, and the shock that still frightened me.

I feel like I need to tightened my grab.

I know that it'll be pretty risky since there's no one who wants to be grabbed tightly. You see, I'm the type who actually don't really care. But things, again, are not as simple as that. This is my first encounter of such kind of fanatism--something I never know was really exist. May be because all the relationships I involved in are with some average guys. Okay sorry to say but, hey, you guys really are just average. #slapped

Now yes, you can feel the heat already. It's indeed about my current relationship. And since people aren't really bothered to read my blog, I'll just post it here and hopefully you guys would just think that this is just another ordinary post--except it's written in (a-gramatically-poor) English.

I'd like to openly state that I feel a little bit insecure.

Since I'm not pretty, I don't have a good grade, I'm just an ordinary girl trapped in a petite yet not so good looking frame. Those achievements I made are completely sealed in my past, and people hate their past. So now I really am just a super, duper, really just another girl who (finally) has a little touch of luck.

I really want to be something, so that I'll not just be a burden who depends on luck. But my lack of movements are inversely match with my desires. I even rarely complete those short stories I made. I love to write but I hate to end it. It's somehow being another big burden for me since I only love the start and have no intention to make an end. And yes, it's not good, since there must always be an end.

I want to be something, so that I'll be, at least, a suited partner who is worth to have.

Since, well, this is the first time I have such a great figure as a partner. He can do anything and lacks of flaw. Things usually only I could do between me and my partner now are reversed. And that's just how things started to get complicated. Since he's so good at almost everything he does, even I do. I really want to set my mind to be more positive, since those are things I should be proud of. But still, may be because I always set myself as the alpha who can do anything for both of us to make things easier and well balanced. Now that I don't need to do that anymore, come to think of it, I feel a little bit empty and bitter.

I usually depend on my partners while silently make them depend on me. But now, I feel like he doesn't really need me. He can do anything that I can, so he doesn't really need any help. That's just how I ended up thinking that I might just be a burden to him. All I can do averagely are his specialities, so he doesn't need any help. Or is it because I just want to be involved with things he does? May be, but I know exactly that I might just be a real burden to him if I do so.

And the thing is, I recently found a Tumblr dedicated to my current partner. And that's how I started to feel more and more insecure, since he actually has that kind of fan (and didn't realize it until I actually told him). It's something to be proud of but, you know, drama~ I feel more and more insecure by days. Really, guys, what should I do?

I started to lose my confidence.

사랑하는 사람

So... uhh, latihan coloring. #kabur

Aaa, That's Why

"Kan kita rusuk yang ilang, jadinya pas gitu rasanya kalo dipeluk." - Kia Unnie

Guess Who's the Birthday Girl ;))

Of course it's ME =))

Wow, it's October 2nd already. And it's my 20th October 2nd. Means I hit the '2-marks' already. My age now's multiple two of 10 =)) Okay, enough.

Haven't had such a cute birthday ever since, what, two years? I remember having such a lonely birthday last year, wandering around Jogja alone just like some kind of lost child or something. Ate some doughnut and stuffs--not really important stuffs. And guess what, without a boyfriend. Just like today, but darker. A lot more darker. Yea, you know what I mean.

Honestly speaking, I really really almost desperately want to have a boyfriend on my birthday. But who knows that spending 12 O'clock with friends is just... feel so great? Eventho there's no such things as a kiss on my left cheek or upper head from a boy I like (since he's busy with his newest job--hey, wait. I'm already heartbroken with him. Let's just... forget him) or even better, a boyfriend. Now I sound totally desperate, don't you think? I've been mentioning about 'wanna-hava-bf' since a week before my birthday and it's never happened. Okay, eventho my birthday hasn't coming to an end yet, but seriously, do you really think I can get a boyfriend less than 24 hours?

Yea, kick my butt, slap my cheek. I need to wake up.

Last year I can't afford any cake of my own but I ate two doughnuts and feel good enough. Today I also didn't have a cake but, seriously, have you ever tried the best ice cream and burger in the world on the same day? I have. Ice cream and burger with candles on it, and I made my wish then some awkward movement for saying 'happy birthday' (it seriously is awkward, but awkwardness is always cute, isn't it?) from all Jogja Runners crew that happened to be with me. All I have tasted last night is a cold chocolate birthday 'cake' that melts inside my mouth and every single bites gave me some kind of happiness. And the burger--I ate it alone, and that was the best I ever tasted.

I'm happy, and that's enough.

Let's just see what will happened today. There are more hours to spend as a birthday girl. Just, wish me luck, okay?

Last but not least,

Good morning and happy birthday, Me :)

Racauan Menuju Penembakan (Gagal --a)

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

Well. Gue cuma mau meracau malam ini. Maka dari itu, gue mohon biarkanlah gue.

Dimulai dari pagi buta, namun mata gue ga ikutan buta. Gue masih melek walaupun jam dengan pedenya nunjuk angka dua pake jarum pendeknya. Dan gue ngehabisin waktu-waktu insomnia gue ini dengan kegiatan seperti biasa:

Baca Komik
Dengan keberadaan penyewaan yang bisa dijangkau dengan ngesot sekian kali dari kostan, gue sehari menghabiskan sampai lima ribu dolar rupiah sekali meminjam komik. Dengan budget seorang anak kost, harusnya gue emang lebih hemat demi kesederhanaan. Tapi entah kenapa, gue ga bisa nahan untuk nyewa "orz. Yea, gue emang salah. Tapi, udahlah. Apa boleh buat. Dan gue, dengan dua belas komik, pun mulai menghabiskan waktu melawan insomnia yang nyaris selalu tersia-siakan. Gue mulai bacaan gue dari buku Nodame seri 3, yang dilanjutkan dengan seri 10 (iye emang aneh. Kemaren gue salah ambil nomer orz) dan seterusnya sampe 15. Lalu gue baca tiga komik Miiko, sampai kemudian tiba giliran sebuah komik berjudul Go Ichigo.

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

Gue dulu pernah baca buku itu. Dengan cerita menarik yang bikin deg-degan, gue pribadi suka pada alurnya. Mulai dari cewek pemalu yang ketemu cowok yang kemudian dia suka pas pindah sekolah, sampai akhirnya dia nembak cowok itu dengan penuh keberanian.

Dan bengonglah gue.

Dengan rasa hangat di dada (engga, gue ga ketumpahan minyak angin kok), gue menutup komik itu. Entah kenapa, gue merasa telah diserang oleh sesuatu. Ha, apakah gerangan hal itu?

Ternyata yang menyerang gue adalah sebuah keberanian.

Iya gue tahu jijay banget keliatannya. Tapi yang menyerang gue emang keberanian kok. Lebih tepatnya, keberanian untuk nembak cowok. Nah lho! Gimana itu bisa terjadi, ha? Meneketempe. Gue aja ga tau. Entah mungkin karena saat ini sudah malam sekali, gue jadi mabuk kepayang oleh rasa entah apa. Padahal, sejauh ini, ga ada cowok yang sekiranya cukup dekat dengan gue yang bisa gue tembak. Mampus. Padahal gue lagi pengen banget nembak (entahlah gue kesambet setan apa. Jangan tanya karena gue juga ga ngerti. Masih merasa gue najong? Silakan).

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Dan pada akhirnya, gue emang merasakan sedikit perasaan yang meledak-ledak. Gue-lagi-pengen-nembak-anak-orang. Jeh, gue pengen banget megang senapan saat itu dan nembak sembarangan dengan kemampuan sniper gue yang memberikan nilai tinggi tiap kali main Time Crisis. Mumpung di depan sana ada kostan cowok yang ada cowok gantengnya, kali aja bisa gue massacre sekalian *dibacok*.

Lalu gue inget satu nama.

Satu nama yang gue rasa pantas gue tembak.

Muahahaha! Gue emang keren.

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

Gue tarik handphone dengan semangat empat lima, langsung buka New SMS. Dengan sisa-sisa ingatan tentang lagu favorit gue baru-baru ini (Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order), gue ketik dua baris lirik bagian reffrainnya untuk seseorang itu. Sampai pada akhirnya gue nulis title di ujungnya, gue sadar satu hal.

Gue lagi ngapain sih?

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Merasa teramat sangat tanggung, akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk menulis hal bego aja. Keinginan gue buat nembak jadi menguap entah kemana. Kelabakan, gue akhirnya nulis apa aja yang ada di kepala. Alhasil, gue malah dengan begonya mengawali dengan menulis: Ga ada maksud apa-apa. Ihwaw. Pinter beneur. Dengan kepala berkunang-kunang, gue pun mengirim SMS itu. Sama sekali tak ada embel-embel pernyataan cinta, sungguh. Yang ada malah SMS gejeh yang ga tau deh, buat apa. Sampe sekarang, doi bahkan belum balas "--a.

Tapi,

gue penasaran.

Apa yang dia pikirin, ya?

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Dan senyum gue pun terkembang.

Biarlah, walau dia ga ngerti dengan SMS gue juga, gue tetep seneng karena udah pernah berniat mengatakan langsung ke dia bahwa selama ini gue suka sama dia. Haha.

See, Kak? Aku sebenernya suka lho, sama Kakak.

Kyaaaaaaaa! Semoga dia ga baca entry gejeh gue ini!

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Oh ya. Credit song to New Order, Bizarre Love Triangle. Download deh. Bagus lho.