Been a While

I'm in shock.

No, it's not that simple to say but, still. I'm in shock. Like shock, shock. It's already Ramadhan and it's my 5th day fasting. 25 to go. But no, this post won't have anything related to this holy month. It's about me, and the shock that still frightened me.

I feel like I need to tightened my grab.

I know that it'll be pretty risky since there's no one who wants to be grabbed tightly. You see, I'm the type who actually don't really care. But things, again, are not as simple as that. This is my first encounter of such kind of fanatism--something I never know was really exist. May be because all the relationships I involved in are with some average guys. Okay sorry to say but, hey, you guys really are just average. #slapped

Now yes, you can feel the heat already. It's indeed about my current relationship. And since people aren't really bothered to read my blog, I'll just post it here and hopefully you guys would just think that this is just another ordinary post--except it's written in (a-gramatically-poor) English.

I'd like to openly state that I feel a little bit insecure.

Since I'm not pretty, I don't have a good grade, I'm just an ordinary girl trapped in a petite yet not so good looking frame. Those achievements I made are completely sealed in my past, and people hate their past. So now I really am just a super, duper, really just another girl who (finally) has a little touch of luck.

I really want to be something, so that I'll not just be a burden who depends on luck. But my lack of movements are inversely match with my desires. I even rarely complete those short stories I made. I love to write but I hate to end it. It's somehow being another big burden for me since I only love the start and have no intention to make an end. And yes, it's not good, since there must always be an end.

I want to be something, so that I'll be, at least, a suited partner who is worth to have.

Since, well, this is the first time I have such a great figure as a partner. He can do anything and lacks of flaw. Things usually only I could do between me and my partner now are reversed. And that's just how things started to get complicated. Since he's so good at almost everything he does, even I do. I really want to set my mind to be more positive, since those are things I should be proud of. But still, may be because I always set myself as the alpha who can do anything for both of us to make things easier and well balanced. Now that I don't need to do that anymore, come to think of it, I feel a little bit empty and bitter.

I usually depend on my partners while silently make them depend on me. But now, I feel like he doesn't really need me. He can do anything that I can, so he doesn't really need any help. That's just how I ended up thinking that I might just be a burden to him. All I can do averagely are his specialities, so he doesn't need any help. Or is it because I just want to be involved with things he does? May be, but I know exactly that I might just be a real burden to him if I do so.

And the thing is, I recently found a Tumblr dedicated to my current partner. And that's how I started to feel more and more insecure, since he actually has that kind of fan (and didn't realize it until I actually told him). It's something to be proud of but, you know, drama~ I feel more and more insecure by days. Really, guys, what should I do?

I started to lose my confidence.